Thursday, April 5, 2012

The end of my 27th year...

I don't normally write anything here, not that I have any readers anyway :). I keep this as a way to remember the workouts I've made up and to keep a log of my fitness, but since I'm in need of a therapeutic outlet, I thought I'd give it a go. So, here's to end the of my 27th year. It's a long one plus it's a bit sad, so if I happen to have any readers, you've been warned.

March started out sunny and optimistic. I even tweeted about it.

It was my birthday month, the beginning of longer days, a new month at my new CrossFit box, and the premier of Hunger Games...which meant a nice date night with my husband. I was looking forward to a month of good stuff. You see, just a few weeks before, I had POAS and saw that faint pink line. That mysterious 2nd line; the one you begin to think doesn't exist when you're TTC. But, then one day it appears, and it's amazing, crap-your-pants exciting, exhilarating, and scary. I ran down the stairs, stick in hand, and shakily announced to my Husband, "I'm Pregnant." We work, it worked, and it's crazy!

yes, I took a million test. yes, that is unnecessary.

And, so begins the roller coaster ride that was March 1st thru March 13th.

I headed into work on Friday, March 1st excited knowing that I would leave that day to see our baby growing inside me. My boss called a mid-afternoon meeting before my departure, and let me know that my sales numbers were down. I had 3 options, all of which ultimately ended in me leaving the company w/no back-up plan. I had seen it coming and my feelings on my job, career path, and situation could take up several posts in itself. So, I will save that for another time. My saving grace for that day was that I was going to see my baby.

But, they saw only a sac, no baby and no heart beat. The Sonographer actually said I was '5 minutes pregnant'. We left with our hearts in our stomachs and with a million questions. Is this normal? Did I ovulate late? Why am I measuring 5 weeks if I should be 8? The weekend was long.

I started bleeding on Monday and they scheduled me for a 2nd u/s. Even with the spotting, I had a good feeling about this one and felt at ease. I knew we'd see something and we did, for which I will forever be thankful. My only regret and sadness, is that my Husband could not come.

it's tiny heart was beating and it could be seen

The spotting continued over the next week. It got heavier and I started cramping. I was worried. I was anxious. I called the Dr. They suggested I go to the ER. I did. I got my levels tested. They dropped. I had a sonogram and my husband stared at a blank sac. My midwife called and the nurse handed me the phone. I laid in the hospital bed hoping she'd deliver good news, but it never came. I knew the second I heard the tone in her voice. "There's no baby and no heartbeat...I'm so sorry...levels have dropped...D&C...miscarriage." I forgot to breathe. My blood pressure dropped, my heart rate plummeted, I couldn't hear or see. I was on the verge of consciousness thinking "Is this really happening?". I guess I regained consciousness, but tried not to grasp reality. We came home defeated and powerless.

I woke up Monday morning jobless and babyless. The walls were caving in and I was in a state of shock. I emotionally vomited and diarrhead on my friends, family, and husband. Maybe if I just keep saying it out loud I'll believe it...and, overcome it eventually. Thank you to anyone and everyone who listened to me.

I had a D&C on March 13th. It been 3 weeks since. I still don't have a baby or a job and March turned out to not be 'so great', but I have learned so much in this short time. Maybe I'm having a life crisis, but I'd like to think I'm taking the experience and allowing it to change me...possibly a career switch that's been a long time coming, a healthier me that listens to my body, and a more centered self. Yes, I'm grasping for something, but at this point, I think that's okay because...

I never had so much to say before this. I'd like to keep writing, and maybe next about the positive impact this has had on my life, and what I hope my 28th year will bring. For now, I just needed to write this down and let it out to the world.

Thanks for listening.

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